Hey T

Don’t listen to your ex husband! You deserve love & you deserve to be treated like a queen. I hope everything is ok!

Regrets

G and I have been dating on and off since I was 16. I’ve always wanted him. He has always had top priority over everyone, even when I was dating someone else. 

3 years ago he cheated on me with a girl he met on myspace. And she moved in with him and his family right away. He used to call me and tell me how he missed me and he’d tell me about his life, knowing it tormented me. It literally went from one day him saying “I love you so much baby” to finding out on myspace that he had a new girlfriend. He doesn’t consider that cheating. Nor does he acknowledge why I don’t trust him because of that. 

During that year apart, I ran into his best friend from high school and he became my best friend. This man, A, was so nice to me. When I ran into him that fateful day, he came and sat in the campus cafeteria with me and talked with me for 2 hours. And then walked me to meet my friend. He fell for me really fast and I fell for him. He took me out on dates that I didn’t have to pay for (I’m pro equality, but with G I pay for everything. Every single time. No matter what we do, I pay. Even when I didn’t have a job. He spends his money on himself). A would surprise me with flowers just because. He left 2 dozen long stemmed roses at my doorstep after I finally could walk after having to use crutches for a couple of months. Before he had access to a car he would wait at my bus stop with me until my bus came. 

One time I ended up on TV while at a Padres game right after I reconnected with A and he called me and was genuinely excited and psyched for me, telling me how he turned on the game to check the score and my face popped out of nowhere. G never gets excited for things that happens to me unless it benefits him. 

I flew back east during the summer of that year and the night before I left A showed up at my door with a grocery bag full of candy and Snoopy gummy snacks so I wouldn’t get bored / hungry on the plane. This summer I went back east and G refused to even hang out with me the day before I left.

And the most important thing ever: A talked to me and listened. It didn’t matter how “girly” or uncomfortable my problem was. Or how whiny I was being. Or if I were being irrational. He listened. He supported me. He took time out of his day / afternoon / night to be there for me. G won’t even take 2 minutes to talk to me. 

A and I got super close. And then G decided he wanted to be back in my life. And I fell for it. I pushed A away and felt uncomfortable with him wanting to be with me. I cut him out of my life as brutally and out of the blue as G did to me. I crushed him. I was horrible to him. A didn’t deserve to run into me that fateful day because I hurt him so badly. I used him until I didn’t need him. I was self-centered and selfish. I didn’t even realize how horrible I was being to him until later on. 

Now I’m living in G’s family’s home with such a heartache for A. I don’t know if I necessarily want to be with A, I just wish I hadn’t walked all over such a good man. He was there for me when no one else was and it turns out I didn’t deserve it. I have ways of contacting him, but I know it’d be unfair of me to intrude in his life, not now, not after so long. I hope to God he has moved on and is happy because he really truly is one of the best men out there. I’m sorry I realized it too late.

So, A, even though you will probably never read this, I dedicate this song to you:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQ-QfMv7Fzw&feature=BFa&list=PLqLHsV0l3ZRS_W5CwSh4rawkaINq-n7Bm

I will be eternally sorry for how I treated you A.

recognize the signs and save yourself before it’s too late

(via preciouslittleteacup)

I wish G could remain the person he is when he is sober. He really is my best friend and favorite person when he is. He has given me one amazing thing though: his mother. I am so very happy that I met her. She is such a nice, amazing, intelligent and caring woman. I had a HPV scare (thanks a WHOLE BUNCH G!) and I felt more comfortable talking to her about it than my own mother. I connect a lot better with her than my mother on pretty much everything (I love my mom, we just butt heads way too often, plus it’s really embarrassing to talk to her about anything that has to do with sex….)

———————————————————-

Oh and on the HPV thing: that really pissed me off. I have only had sex with G. And that’s it. I was pressured into Oral sex during high school with another asshole that I was convinced was going to be my husband (die-hard romantic aka very ignorant teenager). (and G likes to throw the oral sex incident in my face during those drug related rages, which has to be the lowest blow because I had confided in him about that….he already knew though because that asshole I mentioned above used to brag about it to apparently everyone…) ANYWAYS, back to my point. It really felt like I was getting the shit end of the stick because I had held onto my virginity until I was 19, and I really truly loved (and somehow still do) G, and he still is my only sex partner, but yet I end up with a virus that could potentially cause cancer. I had sex with ONE person and their past decisions became MY consequences. My body fought of the virus, which is amazingly comforting, but I really was mad at the world over the fact that I was (in my head) being punished for his sexual past. And to this day it still angers me. 

^writing that actually released a lot of anger I’ve been holding onto. I can’t say stuff like that to my friends because 1) they’re tired of me complaining about G & not doing anything about it and 2) I don’t want to sound like I think that I’m a victim. I’m not, it just felt really unfair.

I’m cracking

and in a good way I think. I’m tired of always being on edge. I’m tired of having to have my guard at home. I’m tired of being depressed and anxious all day every day. I’m not going to put up with G’s verbal abuse any more. I have been standing up for myself, but I’m very close to packing and leaving. I don’t care if I have to go to a women’s shelter, I will get myself out of this mess one way or another.

I’m actually proud of one thing about myself

Although I am weak in many aspects, I am a strong woman. Whenever G gets in my face and yells at me and calls me horrible things (i.e. “dumb trick, fuck you bitch, you’re a dumb bitch…etc”), I never back down. I stand my ground & let him know that I’m not scared of him and he does NOT intimidate me. He can scream, shout, threaten anything he wants, I do not back down. These drug fueled rages (or rages from lack of said drug) are mentally, emotionally, physically and spirituality exhausting for me, but I no longer back down. I don’t let him have his way (he wants me to ignore his problem & pretend that I don’t know anything). 

And I let him know tonight that he finally has pushed away the one person that has been there for him through ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. And those words stretch over many, many, many things. 

I’m a little loopy writing this because I’m so exhausted (up and going since 6am, and I took 1&1/2 benadrylls so I can fall asleep so I can get up for my 7:30am shift tomorrow). 

The morale of this story for anyone who may read this is: no matter how worn down you are, no matter how badly someone has trampled you and taken away everything they can, you still have your will. You still have your personality. You still have your intelligence and your humanity. You still have your spirit. Don’t let anyone, especially someone who “loves you” make you think that they can take any of those things, because they can’t.

&

I’ve been praying, hoping & wishing for a place where I can vent my feelings without being judged, and then I remembered that I never deleted this blog. I only have one follower (who I follow with my blog that has my identity, I truly look up to you by the way, you’re such a strong woman and I really like reading your views on things). 

Anyways, I felt 10times better after posting that last text post, I still feel all of what I said, I’m just not sitting here crying my eyes out anymore. Thank you tumblr.

oh how I wish this were a real thing

(Source: benmcleodillustration, via ohmyburrito)

I haven’t posted on here for a long time, and there’s a reason for that: I can’t face reality. I love G more than anything on this earth, but his addiction is ruining both of our lives. It’s not a slow descent anymore, it’s a 100 miles an hour free fall. 

I feel so stupid, believing that he could / would change. I feel so stupid for staying. I feel so weak because I still haven’t left yet. I feel weak because I don’t want to leave him. I hate myself because it’s my life & my choice, but I’m wasting it on him. I sit through all the verbal abuse and I still stay. I let him use me financially and I still stay. He is bringing me down, but I let him. And for that, I hate myself more than I hate him. I don’t want to be without him. I’m afraid that no one will ever love me. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to have to start this whole process over again with someone else. What if I somehow move on and fall for someone else. And they’re great. And they’re loving. And then I find out they’re hiding an addiction. What if I move on, and no one ever wants me again. What if. What if. What if. I just can’t face those ifs again.

I don’t want to be with him. But I can’t let myself leave him. I want to be happy, but I’m not giving myself the chance. This situation is not good, but I don’t want to fall into a worse one.

lovemygypsyeyes:

Wooo! #21stbirthday (Taken with Instagram)

loving-e-xo:

When you’re trying to have a “feelings” conversation with your fiancé and COD wins.

^ALWAYS

(Source: ruta-mia, via chopstickgirl)

I made G cry yesterday, it didn’t feel good at all. Turns out he’s still very much an addict, which I knew, just didn’t want to believe it. I attacked him trying to get the drugs off of him so I could flush them. & Then I just broke down…I just don’t think I can do this anymore, it’s just too hard. I told him that it’s too hard & he started to cry, finally letting his feelings show, and he let me know just how much of a mess he really is. Idk…I just can’t handle it anymore, but I don’t want to live without him. I guess I’ll keep trying for now……..

Chula Vista

Yesterday I got G to drive us to the Chula Vista Nature Center. It was amazing walking the short hiking trails & looking at the Bald Eagle, Hawks, turtles, sea horses & owls :)